Having cancer, fighting cancer, cancer treatment, cancer treatment side effects, and cancer recovery all cause exhaustion. Mental and physical exhaustion are the cancer patient’s constant companions for a prolonged period, about 4 years for me. Exhaustion does not have to equal stagnation.
I was in bed for much of my illness for hours, days, and weeks on end. What was there to do?
Whenever I could, I wrote. I had always wanted to write, and then my subject matter fell from the sky onto my pen and notepad in the form of rare cancer, two rare cancers, right there in my bone marrow, and I had something of substance about which to write. Sticky notes, notebooks, miniature notepads, my phone, and my laptop all absorbed my journaling. If I had not written when things were happening, I could never have recalled the events or the feelings. Writing was therapeutic and kept my mind active.
Recumbent, in-bed exercises became my friend. One must lower one’s bar of physical accomplishment. Athletic achievement was no longer winning a BMX race, skiing the chutes at Mary Jane, or taking a 20-mile mountain bike ride. My accomplishment was doing leg lifts in my bed. Maintaining muscle tone, as well as I could, laid the groundwork for my future recovery and was the most I could do.
There were days when walking a few steps down the hall was the most I could do, so that is what I did, and was happy about it. When I came home from the hospital, my husband or one of my sons had to walk behind me outside to be sure I did not fall, and the first time I walked solo, I fell and broke my leg. This was a good sign that I was not ready to plan my next mountain hike or BMX race. I had to be able to walk around the yard without sustaining a fracture first.
I wish I could list more physical feats in illness and recovery, but walking and in-bed exercises were the mainstay. As I felt better, months to a year after my transplant, I graduated to a rowing machine, easy biking, easy hiking, and easy Nordic skiing. Be patient. It takes a while. Things do get better.
While I was sick, I decided I would expand my horizons and learn to make desserts. I watched every baking show, American and British, that I could stream. I picked up techniques, wrote down recipes, bought appliances, tools, and cooking gadgets, and started baking cakes and pies from scratch. I studied high-altitude cooking. I live at an elevation of 8400 feet, so I needed alterations to the recipes for them to come out properly. Before I started baking as a cancer diversion, I did not even know what a leavening agent was. Who knew?
I learned icings, pie crust, cobblers, puff pastry, crème patisserie, and many types of cakes. Previously, a homemade pie crust was a thaw-and-bake situation. Rolling it out on the table was a major obstacle. My new scratch pie crusts were truly delicious, with incredible flakiness. I made a buttermilk cake with bacon in the cream cheese icing that was a combo from three different creations that I saw on a baking show. It was a massive success. Friends asked (still ask) for it. This was a new experience. My favorite successful baking endeavor was a cake that avalanched M and M candies from the center when sliced. It is like a magic trick.
Uniform, flat, smooth layers in my cakes became my obsession. I loved the visual of the straight, evenly spaced layers with even layers of icing or fruit filling. I would cut the cakes and ask my family, “How are the layers? Do they look good?” My first layers were soggy, sunken, and concave disasters, but these improved as my high-altitude baking knowledge expanded.
I took CME (Continuing Medical Education) courses and performed practice self-assessment tests online. These were challenging and affirming. I highly recommend that cancer patients keep up with their profession or trade, in any way they can, even when they cannot work. I became an amateur movie analyst. I created a rating list of 1 through 9 storylines in “Love Actually,” with persuasive substantiation. I pondered how the societal themes of “Kramer vs. Kramer” have changed over the 40 years since its release. Is this plotline relevant? Is mental illness more the fundamental issue than gender roles for Joanna Kramer? Which character in “The Big Chill” had the most consistent morality code? This is a tough philosophical question. Whose side are we on in “What About Bob?” The viewer finds themself on Bob’s side, but he is an annoying stalker with no boundaries or social norms! However, he loved the fried chicken so much, that he won our hearts.
As a massive fan of the most classic made-for-TV movie series, I have put tremendous mental energy into the analysis of the portrayal of women in “Columbo.” If the woman was successful, brilliant, professional, and assertive, she was a cold, evil, psychopathic murderer. Otherwise, she was a pampered, passive housewife who goes shopping. If you were a famous actress playing a famous actress in “Columbo,” you would be shooting your husband in the head or murdering him and burying him in the backyard, before that was even a thing. I ruminated about these things, and my brain stayed active trying to find the positive female character of significance in “Columbo.” There was his wife, but we never saw her. There was the nurse who suspected that the surgeon used the dissolvable suture with nefarious intent, but she was hastily murdered. Two meek, dominated, and controlled wives turned out to have a conscience and a spine and refused to lie to provide alibis for their murderous, cheating husbands. That was all I came up with, and none were a resounding win for the positive female character. My family was very patient with me. I did hear things like, “Mom, we cannot eat this much cake,” and ”Yes, Mom, the cake layers are very pretty and very even,” and “Mom, can we please just watch “Spiderman,” and perhaps watch it without commentary?” Of course, “Mom, you have seen that episode of “Columbo” at least 30 times.”
There was too much cake and too many dissecting movies to dust, but these activities kept me participatory, engaged, happy, and occasionally productive. Whatever you find to keep your brain cells and muscle fibers active, in whatever capacity you are able at the moment, do it. It is a solid investment in your return to normal.